Warning: consumption of the drug “Charlie Sheen” may result in weight loss, rampant spewing of nonsensical quips, and the urge to say winning (a lot).
Over the past few days, in interview after interview (that could be another side effect — an addiction to TV sit-downs), Charlie Sheen has dropped lines inconceivable to most human beings.
Often obtuse, hilarious and downright bizarre, he’s morphed from the star of TV’s No. 1 comedy to a foamy-mouthed crusader bent on destroying anything blocking his path to Awesomeville. (Namely, Chuck Lorre, the creator of “Two and a Half Men.”)
His quotes are the stuff of late-night comedy writers’ dreams. Below, 15 of the best from this week — and stay tuned for more, the winningest man in Hollywood just joined Twitter:
On his natural high: “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” (“20/20.”)
On how he survived his other highs: “I probably took more than anybody could survive. … I was bangin’ seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. … I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.” (“20/20.”)
On his daily life: “It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.” (“20/20.”)
On his two girlfriends: “You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart. … It’s a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts.” (“20/20.”)
The photo that Sheen posted with his first tweet: “Winning..! Choose your Vice… #winning #chooseyourvice.”PHOTOS: Charlie Sheen Through the Years
On his prediliction for porn stars: “They’re the best at what they do and I’m the best at what I do. And together it’s like, it’s on. Sorry, Middle America. Yeah, I said it.”(“20/20.”)
On why he won’t get married again: “I tried marriage. I’m 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer — I believe in numbers. I’m not going 0 for 4. I’m not wearing a golden sombrero.” (“20/20.”)
On partying: “I mean, what’s not to love? Especially when you see how I party man, it’s epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children.” (“20/20.”)
On how his daughters with his ex-wife Denise Richards will regard him in the future: “They’ll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. And, you know, signs all the checks on the front, not the back. And you know, we need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness.” (“20/20.”)
On his honesty: “I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I’m extremely old-fashioned. I’m a nobleman. I’m chivalrous.” (“20/20.”)
On his dual personality: “I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That’s how I describe myself.” (“Piers Morgan Tonight.”)
On the potential for John Stamos to replace him on “Two and a Half Men:” “I like John, but he doesn’t have what I have and the show sucks if he’s on it. Sorry, just speaking the truth.” (“Access Hollywood.)
On how he cured himself of addiction: “I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction … the fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool.” (“The Today Show.”)
On how he avoids relapsing: “I just don’t do it. I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.” (“The Today Show.”)
On why he’s not worried about “Two and a Half Men’s” indefinite hiatus: “Well, I mean, first of all come Wednesday morning they’re gonna rename it Charlie Bros. and not Warner Bros. [Ed. note: This has not yet happened.] Duh, winning! It’s, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.” (“The Today Show.”)
On his desire to be his true self: “I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars, and people can’t figure me out; they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain.” (“The Today Show.”)
